Evidently it’s Dakota Fanning Month at the stark raving calm house. The last movie in our Blockbuster queue (I canceled it yesterday to save some cash) was Hide and Seek. It isn’t a good sign that I had to think for a minute to remember the movie’s title. Not like there have been any suspense movies with nursery-rhyme names lately. I was disappointed, but not surprised, to see Fanning, Amy Irving, and especially Robert De Niro on the cast list. Despite the big names, this one is a forgettable addition to the list of Sixth Sense also-rans, five years late. Here’s the nutshell version: David (De Niro) and daughter Emily (Fanning) lose Mom in tragic fashion. To recover, they move from Manhattan’s friendly confines to a creepy small town, where Emily makes an imaginary friend who turns out (get this) to be not so imaginary. This is one of those movies written by and for New Yorkers who seem to have a congenital fear of open spaces, big houses, and neighborly people.

Let’s get this out of the way right now: There Is A Twist. I’ll spoil it a bit by saying that it’s ripped directly from Secret Window. I didn’t figure it out in advance, probably because I was having too much fun MSTing the suspense-movie cliches to take it seriously:

• Disturbing crayon drawings: check.
• Mutilated dolls: check.
• Dead pet: are you kidding me?
• Murky bathtub: oh come on now.
• Dark cave climax: you can’t be serious.

After the end, I did the obligatory skim back through the movie to see if the plot supported the twist. There was a bit involving a boiling kettle (yes, rote Hitchcock) that should have given it away. However, director John Polson cheats, in very un-Shyamalanian fashion, by placing David in at least one scene that he turns out to have imagined. No fair.

Not much can be said about the acting, either. De Niro phones in the Bruce Willis role of a distant psychiatrist who couldn’t diagnose his daughter, or himself, out of a paper bag. He plays the role a little too straight, so that we get absolutely no hints as to David’s true nature — but maybe he was resting up from Meet the Fockers. Fanning turns up the Wednesday Addams dial to 11. Her shtick is annoying through the first two-thirds of the film, but becomes completely sympathetic in retrospect, after you realize what poor little Emily was going through. Creepy-character specialist Dylan Baker, playing no one at all creepy here, is actually a relief.

The best thing I can say about Hide and Seek is that The Twist gave me some things to think about. Complete spoiler below, if you haven’t figured it out and don’t care to watch:

David has multiple-personality disorder. His Evil Personality is, natch, Emily’s not-so-imaginary friend. Fanning’s character has endured life alone with her two dads for months. This is why she always eyes Dad with shell-shocked distrust, and why our opinion of her does a complete 180. There is absolutely no chemistry between De Niro and Fanning, though, which would have made the truth much more gut-wrenching.

The other thing that struck me was how everything goes south when Mom dies, and stays that way until Emily is reunited with a kind, caring, female guardian. Maybe I’m being a bit of a Rebel Dad here, but this plays up that safe old stereotype — that fathers are unsuitable caretakers of children — in the worst way. If that’s something you really want to see, don’t rent this one; pick up The Shining instead.

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